Today I find myself in a number of bad circumstances and in very bad condition.
Today I did something I find hard to forgive myself. It's very personal and hard to explain. What lead me to it, I find scary :( And I feel so annoyed with myself.. I hope you'd understand if I annoyed you in any way. The rest of you too :( I'm so sorry.

I think I've overly tired myself out.

I love your unique beauty.
You are not easy to come by
You never knew no words could suffice.
Raging sun fire storms clouds overhead.
Ooohhhhh. Ohhh.
Because you'll die if all you aim to be is beautiful.
And I will be deaf by 25.

I thank my friends for keeping me sane. And thank you for making me smile when I'm down at my down-est and for slapping me when I need to be slapped.

I just received a phone call telling me that there's gonna be 2 cocker spaniel puppies delivered to me house! How exciting!!! Sadly, they belong to my aunt who adopted them and is gonna come to pick them up later. Haha, I told her no need lah, just leave them here. And she sounded really really worried. Er, cannot lah, cannnnot..... Haha.

I am having a fantastic fever since yesterday and I stayed home youtubing and reading instead of studying. Lol. I also finally got to watch harry potter and twilight (: Haha. Yeah, edward guy was pretty hot. The wolf guy too.. I wonder if there's a combination of them both haha. Harry potter is so damn funny. I don't know if anyone sees the humour too :\ And the new director has a different take to it. Maybe that's why people don't really like it. But it's also very sad at the same time.

Another video! It's super cute (:



Heehee, and these guys came much with the male version. Hahaha super gay but still cute!



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Have you ever soaped yourself while showering and then wonder after awhile if you did soap yourself and then decide maybe you haven't and then soap yourself to realise that perhaps you did? Haha. It just happened again.

Yesterday was meant to be an important day. It became of different importance cuz we talked. Do you realise it'd have been the 4th month, and became instead the 4th week since we spoke? Interesting ain't it.

Okay, am going out for family dinner! Gonna celebrate dear Russell's birthday. Hello good food....



The wind blows hair over my face and kisses me gently. Thank you (:

There's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight (: So exciting! I imagine it to be like fireworks, the big pretty explosive kind and then it starts raining glitter. I turned off the aircon and opened my window and am gonna wait by it. Hopefully I don't fall asleep and wake up with mosquito bites everywhere.. Hazel's with her dad at Chinese Garden. Sounds damn exciting! Too bad my mom has to work tomorrow and my dad's working tonight.

And today my IDEAS group went to this place to try out the fish spa. It was such an expensive and sadly not very fantastic experience. All the kissy kissy fishes came to kissy kissy my feet haha. But they got very bored of eating after awhile :\ don't know why. I think they're lives are very sad though. It'll be the last thing you wanna be lol. A kissy fish. Kissy fishes from Italy haha.

God I feel so sleeeepy.
>:|

Lines For Winter by Mark Strand

Tell yourself
as it gets cold and gray falls from the air
that you will go on
walking, hearing
the same tune no matter where
you find yourself --
inside the dome of dark
or under the cracking white
of the moon's gaze in a valley of snow.
Tonight as it gets cold
tell yourself
what you know which is nothing
but the tune your bones play
as you keep going. And you will be able
for once to lie down under the small fire
of winter stars.
And if it happens that you cannot
go on or turn back and you find yourself
where you will be at the end,
tell yourself
in that final flowing of cold through your limbs
that you love what you are.

I was reading through my old blog and I found myself highly amusing. A very stressed teenager too. And I wrote pretty well lol. This blog is somehow different. I talk about different things. That blog was really alllll about damn A levels. Suicidal I tell you. But the other difference is that I'm no longer a child.

I also find it very hard to live in reality. I was just not born for stuff like that. Tell me, where is the bigger perspective?

I see myself in a silent picture film.

Or a novel.

Either, whichever.

I make mistakes, so do you.

We all learn. And laugh and cry.

We all yearn, to feel warmth and love.

To be in someone's arms.

The sun rises and sets again.

It rains once in awhile.

Other people die in some other countries.

Theirs is another kind of heartache.

Mine drains me, drags me down.

I lift myself up again and again and again.

Always looking to be truly happy.

If you put this in context, it's a tough period in my life.

I falter, but my cheeks still blush.

My eyes still glitter.

I'm still human afterall.

And it should be okay for me to make mistakes.

Oh yesss. I read about this yesterday! Freakass cooooool.

PARKOUR


Seeee, more reasons to be manly male. Do you think I'd be able to do this as a girl (very petite and balless female). Hahaha.

I just realised I do pakour in my dreams. I think everyone too lol.



Updated:

Omg, there are females doing it! Okay, way cool. And you need to be super fit man.

Today morning I woke up from another nightmare. I'm really afraid of mornings like this..
I really am.

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I just watched this show on Nat Geo, Meet the Natives USA. You really have to go watch it. It's playing again at 11pm tonight. It was really goood (: it leaves you feeling slightly wholesome. And also left me very much wanting to be male lol.

Yes, I wish I was born male sometimes.. I'd be tougher and I'd do more stuff. My parents would let me fly around the world on my own. I'd be a lean hot manly male. Like yeahh.

Anyway, today's weather has been nice. It was raining but it was still bright. Kim and I went out to pick my maid from the bus stop.. And we ended up jumping around in the puddles (: my maid too, while grabbing onto the loaf of bread she bought lol. I wish we did those things. I imagined you'd like it, but.. somehow I don't think you would :\ Maybe I'd know one day. Oh well.. to more good days ahead.

And I have our class photo here! Teeheeheetahoohoo.


(jeff is erect sittingreallystraight. hahaha)
fo shizzleee my nizzles (;

Everything around me is so unsettled. I hope everything's going to be fine. I hope the people I care about are going to be fine. I hope telling you that I love you will help you, but I know you all need more than that. I hope you all will be stronger. And you know, I'm sure there's really more to it.

Anyway, happy birthday JP. I hope you spent your day happily. Like, happy happy. Like smiling from the bottom of your heart. Like bursting with happy sunlight juice happy kinda thing. Like not caring about a shit kinda happy. I'm not being crazy or selfish, but I honestly hope you were somewhere around there.

And happy birthday Rayner. Yes you are growing up to look like your brother. And that looks like me hahaha. Why I think we all look good (:

Mellow mellow day. My relatives came over. My aunt gave me some of her dive stuff.. I got a dive torch and underwater cam now. Am so pleased. Now I just gotta do the diving! Had planned to do alot of work today. But I ended up watching too much TV. I didn't even go for SGflashmob man.. Damn. Sigh.. At least there was good stuff on TV. (:

Kinda forgot about this song.. Am glad I found it again. I used to actually hear it on repeat for awhile I think. How I forget things..
Well, I wish I had more soul. I wish everyone else had more soul too. I wish all I could hear is good music.


Lol, and I was reading some comments on the vid on youtube. Made me go :\
"im in prison but im not a criminal" (tis sad. )
"i got paint but im not a painter"
"i got batterys but im not a dildo :D" hahaha wth.

It's raining again. It's been raining every single day recently and the weather is so wonderful...... If only all we had to do was sleep in. Or if only the lecture theatres weren't so cold. I walked home alone in the drizzle today and it was pretty nice. (:

The only sad thing about the rain is that all my clothes won't dry in time. I am so worried lah. All my underweaarrrrrr..... I wanna buy more bras and panties! Who wants to go underwear shopping?! Lol.

Got through yet another thursday. Dance was pretty awesome haha. More than awesome lah, if only I could focus better and not forget the steps half the time. Cannot take it, I'm gonna do that chicken walk well next week haha. And talking about that, we had the egg dropping thing every other student was talking about for OM today. See I told you all, confirm won't break one. Heeheehee. We used the straws and napkins and paper and balloon and got like maximum cushionage. Totally smart. Okay PTH again. I don't know how to do :( And why do the people keep switching the lights on and off around MLT12 area? Whaat are they even doing?!

"I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me"

I remember that day when we got together.
On a random day, we were messaging each other and I asked you I don't even know when we got together. And you said, just randomly pick a date. And I said, that's so sad! And you lol-ed me and said that night you told me you missed me then. And that was that.
I told Zi, it's weird to think that you're attached now. Feels funny.. And why do people use the word attached?! You sound so helpless or desperate or clingy or pathetic. :\ Attached. Why can't it be, we're two people who happily decided to get together.
And that was that, that.
So that other day, I just told Zi, Now it's weird again. To think you're single. Feels funny.. Don't really remember what it feels like to be single again.
It's not like we were together for hell of a long time, or were damn close the whole time. But I thought about you so often and felt happy each time. Now that I think about it, it's true I was more sad than happy. But each happy moment just overwhelms the sadness. However insignificant.

And today, Zi and I were talking again. And we agreed that we were both alot more carefree before this. I really was. You have no idea. I felt like an animal. A very happy one, and I got myself where I wanted. And then you came along quite so innocently. But in all honesty, you were never a mistake. What happened later however should probably be, but I think again and decide it isn't.


Anyway, I was typing the post when suddenly Billie Jean starts to play from one of the windows. I don't even know where it's coming from.. lol. Now I just shake to it and continue typing...

I am not unaware.. I am just uncertain. It's all been bad timing so far. Why don't we let time tell us what to do? And be happy while we're at it? 
You can't be at two places at one time. Neither can your heart be. Wherever the places may be.
Time will let me settle more properly.


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Today on the MRT I realised something interesting. I feel rather conflicted when I see an old person come on board and have to give up my seat. You look at the person and you see graying hair, wrinkly wrinkly skin and a slight hunched back. You think, the fella needs your seat man. And when you decide to tap the person on his back to give your seat up, he turns around and looks at you confused. He looks old, but is probably just 40. Then you feel all embarrassed because duh, you just made it obvious the person looks older than he is. Totally bad. So everytime I see old people on board I stare at them for a long time. And they end up staring back like I'm some awful insolent kid. :( 

Okay, anyway another random video again. The song just kept playing in my head recently, don't even know where I heard it and I had to google it lol. The girls looks fugly btw, it's damn hilarious. 

this was what I was watching in the afternoon lol.

Super cute! (don't like the collection though.) You all can go ahead and nose bleed haha.

Today I attempted to blade. Gissy has told me how bad I am at it over a million times lol. I know I am damn lousy lah! :( I'm like lousy at everything. I have no idea why, I wonder what I'll ever be good at. I can't be that much of a failure in life can I? 

Came home sweaty and gross like crazy but it was fun. At least I could move around on my own.. Gissy fell down and complained so much about her tiny tiny cuts. She even blogged about it lol. YOU DIDNT GET TO SEE THE BIG ASS WOUNDS I GOT FROM MY FACEPLANT ON THE ROAD OKAY. You just got scrapped! But yeah, it was fun (: and it didn't rainnnnnnn!

I got my dad to reboot the windows on my mac. The audio device thing has left me with no music for too long. I got depressed. So now he's trying to fix it.. And now I have to use mac to do stuff, so I am laggy now lol.


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She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot